He Had It All
by True Love Lives Forever
Summary: He had it all. An amazing job. A wonderful wife. Respect. Popularity. But something was missing… a true love that he inadvertently killed years back that still haunts his shattered heart to this day. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: Nope! Still don't own Life with Derek.

Summary: He had it all. An amazing job. A wonderful wife. Respect. Popularity. But something was missing… a true love that he inadvertently killed years back that still haunts his shattered heart to this day. Oneshot – contains angst so grab some tissues

Author's Notes: I don't know much about Canada or any sports teams, least of all hockey, so I'm not going to be very specific about those sorts of details. Anyway, on with the story.

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He Had It All

By: True Love Lives Forever

His life was perfect. He had it all. Everything he could ever wish for was right at his feet – an amazing job he could only dream of when he was growing up; a wonderful and beautiful wife; a spacious and exquisite manor; respect of everyone around him, both of those people he knew and even those he never even met; and there was popularity, much bigger than that from his high school, since it wasn't just about one school anymore – it was about being famous on a global scale now.

He had all the material things any human could ever want and if something was lacking by any chance, he had enough money and influence to afford it.

But despite all that, there was something lacking in his life because every morning when he woke up, he always felt a pang in his heart. It was certainly something nobody around him ever noticed, but he knew it all too well for he lived with it for years on end.

He still remembers how he used to say all the time that he doesn't have a heart. He could be cruel and mean, hurting the people around him through his actions. He used to say that that's just who he was, who this life made him out to be, but some could tell he was lying to shield himself from the truth he would rather avoid and repress.

One certain person used to always tell him that he's a jerk and a skirt chasing cad, sometimes throwing in a "bastard" into the mix. But that was then – too long ago to remember, yet too difficult to be forgot easily since the memories had a plan of their own and always kept the mind refreshed with the bittersweet times of the youth. That was the time when he used to break girl's hearts on a daily basis without a care in the world.

But now, everything was different. Now, he never denied he had a heart. He knew it was pointless to do so anyway. Still, he would never tell a soul the painful truth about his heart – a heart that has once been shattered into a million pieces, and for him, once was one too many times.

You can say some of his new life started in the University of Toronto. He had, of course, gotten a hockey scholarship to go there and couldn't be happier. While he still was somewhat of a slacker when it came to grades even as graduated from high school, he managed to pick himself up enough to stop being the embarrassment of the family. Every once in a while he even acquired an occasional B or A in a class here and there. But nonetheless, he spent the majority of his time playing hockey. Practice, practice, practice – that's what it was all about. And in the end, it paid off.

As he graduated with a degree from Toronto Film School, one of his few other interests besides hockey, he was invited to join one of the finest hockey teams in all of Canada. He was thrilled beyond imagination. But it still wasn't enough to fulfill the yearning inside of him, a longing of his every fiber that still wasn't quenched even after 22 years of his life.

But he tried to ignore it in any way he could, pushing it all aside and out of his mind. He dedicated his life to his work, practicing and practicing. And even though that made him a perfectionist, something he never thought he'd call himself, he couldn't get his longing out of his mind. He did, however, set new records, bringing fame right into his lap.

During the party his team threw in his honor for his 25th birthday, he met her – Amanda Brown. The last name didn't quite suit her since she was a stunning blonde with a figure anyone could wish for. So it wasn't very surprising to him when he found out she was an actress, and a very talented one at that. He was attracted to her, just as she was to him, but he knew it wouldn't be anything serious. It would just be an interesting, rather short, fling.

Little did he know at the time, since she turned out to be his future wife of 15 years to this day.

His family came to town for the week to celebrate his birthday. They were planning to arrive the day after the party since they wouldn't really know anyone there anyway. Besides, Nora and George, as well as Abby might have started talking about his embarrassing childhood moments and he certainly wouldn't want that to happen.

For the most part, he had kept in touch with them, generally over the phone though. Marti and Edwin often came to visit him, and so did his parents on occasion, but he rarely ever came over to the house that held so many youthful memories – some of which he would much rather forget.

After all, it's those memories that made his yearning even harder to smother and forget, not that he'd ever forget them.

It was that weekend that changed his life even more drastically. While he wasn't what you'd call a satisfied man before, it was that time that threw him into a lifelong depression – a depression he's been trying to hide ever since, shaking of any worried looks and questions.

He's had an internal fight for the past 10 years and he thought his mind was finally winning this constant battle, at least bit by bit. But he found out rather suddenly that he couldn't have been more wrong.

When Marti, Edwin, Lizzie, Nora, George, Abby, and her second husband, John with baby Sara came into his house, he thought he couldn't have been happier or more at peace. But it was a few seconds later that _she_ came back crashing into his life again, just like she had done 10 years ago as the McDonald family moved into his house, his childhood house to be more exact. The same house he's been avoiding all these years, coming back on rare occasions when he couldn't weasel himself out of it, just to eliminate the possibility he'd run into _her_. And here _she_ was, in _his_ own house, making it impossible for his to escape her.

He was frozen to the floor as his heart raced as it only did in her presence. His breathing became rigid and his thoughts soared all over the place, making it impossible to keep up. It was then that his eyes took in the sight of _her_, of his oldest step-sister, Casey McDonald. The one and only girl who was his equal and every way: persistent, talented, stubborn, and skillful were a few among many qualities. Yet, she was somewhere above him, making her even more desirable while at the same time unattainable. She was beyond his reach for so many years. He knew that and he never let his mind even consider the possibility of expressing his feelings to her. She was his Casey – so close to his heart, yet so far away it was unbearable.

It was then he realized that he couldn't go on like this, dreaming of a future with her day and night and trying to push those thoughts aside at the same time, fighting with himself on what he should and shouldn't do, and eventually coming to the conclusion that he better stay quiet and pretend like nothing is wrong. This was his chance and he should take it.

He made up his mind. He would talk to her and ask her to meet him after practice tomorrow. He didn't know much about what has happened in her life these past few years because he never asked, too afraid to have any contact or information about her life, though probably afraid of the possibilities as well. He feared things might not go as he'd hoped, but he would give it a try anyway. And he did. He talked to her. She was baffled and surprised that he asked her, but without getting an answer as to why he asked in the first place, she eventually agreed to the meeting, curiosity getting the best of her as usual.

For the first time in his life, he arranged to leave practice earlier. Returning back home, he showered and changed, though changing took much more time than he expected as he didn't know what to wear for his meeting. Tidying himself more than ever, he was a nervous wreck. He managed to call one of the nicest restaurants in town to confirm his reservation for which he called in earlier. With everything going as planned, he got into the car and made his way to the restaurant.

_If only Casey came_, was the only thought running through his mind, along with the fear and anticipation of how everything would turn out.

He waited in the dimly illuminated room for 5 minutes, time seeming to move extra slowly just to torture him. Never feeling more restless in his life than at that point, he hoped she would come before he lost all of his composure. He planned what he'd say as he waited, knowing he would still probably forget it all when she came anyway.

It was just a few minutes past 7 pm, the time they arranged to meet, and she wasn't there. He knew it was probably traffic, yet the nagging feeling that she stood him up kept poking into his brain. Every minute passed like eternity. And just when he was running out of hope, with her being 19.5 minutes late, not that he was counting or anything, his cell phone rang.

At first wanting to simply turn if off thinking it was someone else, he pulled out his phone from his pant pocket, frustrated. Seeing Casey's cell phone number on it, he stilled. His body froze, his breathing stopped momentarily, and so did his heart.

Carefully and slowly, he answered the phone, praying she didn't want to cancel on their meeting once and for all, forcing him once again into his reluctant and supposedly happy life that was nothing but a mask without her in it.

What he heard over the phone, he wasn't sure – not at that moment, nor today. He flew from his chair and out the door almost as if he was possessed, his feet taking him 4 blocks up the hill near an always busy road. Once there, his heart sank into the pit of his stomach for he never saw a scene such as this one before in his life and those images have yet to be erased from memory.

The place was buzzing with police cars and officers, as well as onlookers, who were scattered near huge pieces of metal – the type of metal that came from two cars, one of which looked a little too familiar to him, despite it being completely totaled, since only a day ago it was standing right next to his house.

It was Casey's. His Casey.

He never remembered what he was doing there once he got there, or how long he was there. He barely heard some phrases from cops around him, but he was too shocked to react in any way. Something about "drunk driver" and "no survivors" made his heart stay where it was, too far gone, and his mind pulled a trick on him and disappeared. Some police officer said, as if in slow motion, something about getting McDonald's cell phone from her purse on the back seat and calling some people including her parents, but Derek was too far gone. Any urge he had to go and prove that those were all lies or simply a horrific nightmare was impossible to act out for his feet wouldn't move, almost as if they were glued.

The only thing he was able to do was to fall on his knees, curl up, and cry like never before.

The pang he always felt in his heart on every morning as he woke up came rushing back with a vengeance, too strong for him to deal with. His heart shattered to pieces. It was as if it was made of porcelain, extremely fragile to any fall and fall it did, straight onto the hard and cold concrete.

He knew it was his own fault in the first place. He knew they were never meant to be. He knew it would never work out. He knew there were too many reasons keeping them apart. He knew all along that Casey was too far above him. He wanted to reach out to her but it was impossible.

He was too afraid to try. He was afraid of taking a chance. He was afraid of what others would think of him. He was afraid of what _she_ would think of him. He was afraid of too many things.

So he waited.

He waited for way too long… all the way until it was too late.

He asked her to come to him, but she never did. She didn't get the chance.

It's ironic. If only he had asked her sooner, even just a day earlier, they might have been together by now. Even if that wasn't the case, she would still be here, above him, but not so completely out of reach of time and space. But it wasn't the case and the truth hurt too much, for he had inadvertently killed her.

True love only comes around once in a lifetime… and he killed his.

This was all too much for him. So he did the only thing he could think of…

He kept it all to himself for all these years. And now, it was tugging at his heart, pulling it in all directions, trying its hardest to break it to pieces all over again. But then again, it's not like his heart was able to heal in these past 24 years anyway with his 40th birthday coming up soon, and he knew all too well that the chances of him forgetting her even now were slim to none. He figured he'd just have to live like this for the rest of his miserable life, pretending to his parents, his siblings, his wife and friends that he is the happiest man on earth. But he knew better because no matter how many masks you might put on, it will never change the real feelings buried deep inside.

After all, no matter how entertaining and hilarious a clown is in the circus, the audience never knows what's happening in his life. The audience doesn't even come to terms in those instances that there's a possibility of this clown having a bad day, let alone a broken heart.

And that's who he was – a clown to the world. An entertainer. Someone who's the best of the best on ice, with a great family potential… but nobody will ever know the truths and the aches buried deep inside his heart. A heart that could burst at any moment from all the pain this world has brought him – the kind of pain that will never leave his side.

Only when he leaves his worldwide circus once and for all, may he finally find peace and truly feel at home.

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Hi there. So there goes my little oneshot I scribbled down that obviously has a message – don't wait for too long or you just might run out of time and it'll be too late. 

Anyway, I hope you liked it and, hopefully, it didn't sound too repetitive and annoying, but very emotional and heartfelt instead. That was the idea at least. I spent about 5 hours writing this and it was also my first attempt at something so angsty and touching, so please don't be too harsh on me when you review.

And PLEASE, REVIEW!!!!!


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